July 27th, 12:16 pm

July 22nd, ~1 am

July 22nd, ~1 am

At one point tonight, Rowan and I were walking down the street and the air got really still and quiet and then the gentlest warm breeze kicked up and it was the most comforting, euphoric feeling, especially after this winter, and I could feel it in my entire body and I don’t ever want to forget that.

Chicago can be nice. I needed a day like today so badly.

Now that I know what it’s like to have you, I don’t know how I got along before. Who was I before I was yours? What did I think of before you were my every thought? How did I fall asleep or wake back up without you all those nights and mornings before? I can’t imagine returning to living lonely after having gotten to live with you. I never want to not know you again, and I am so selfishly thankful that you and I could never un-know or un-love each other. There is nothing to go back to when you feel like this, when you’ve felt another person like this, when another person has felt you like this, and even if there were, I would never. I want this to always be everything.

I went on an art tour with my mom today.

Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye

Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore


written by by “Alexandra” Tilton, NH (Teen Ink: November 2013 Issue)

(Source: stellines, via moodybutt)

a small collection of me expressing my recent feelings via Snapchat

Things have been very hard again. I’m lonely and I’m sad and I’m stressed and I am continuously fucking up. I don’t sleep very well (again) and it’s getting hard to keep eating (again). I’ve been crying a lot. I’ve been jobless since December, and carless as of a few weeks ago. It’s hard to leave the house with no car and so little money left and I don’t do so very often anymore, even socially. Mostly everyone has seemingly lost interest in me. I don’t get invited to do anything or go anywhere anymore. I don’t get very many texts back. I don’t know what I would do if it weren’t for Sean, honestly. I hate to sound like that, like I’m completely dependent on my boyfriend, but I truly don’t know what I’d do without him. He comes to see me as often as he can and nobody has been as genuinely here for me as he has. He is possibly (definitely) my last and only consistent source of support and kindness and love and inspiration. I don’t get anything like that from my family, though I never have. All they’ve ever given me is “what is wrong with you” or “go back to therapy.” It doesn’t feel like I get anything from my friends anymore. Maybe I’m too needy. I don’t know. It’s just hard being so stuck and lost and having so little will to keep trying.

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